Another week come and gone. And it was a crazy one. I worked over 8 hours both Tuesday and Wednesday, which always leaves me completely exhausted by the end of the week. The kids have also been…difficult…lately. Rambunctious. Obnoxious. My mom said they were very bad for her on Tuesday when she watched them. Whenever this happens, I immediately blame my ex and this way of life. Troubles make me feel more strongly how little time I have, how little energy I have to put into parenting. I think that is detrimental to our family. I feel that when parents are out of the house all day working and come home with little energy to parent, this is how kids end up without enforced boundaries, which in turn leaves them insecure, mouthy, disobedient, defiant, etc. I honestly believe that it is detrimental to our society.
After having had the opportunity to stay at home full-time to parent and school my daughter but now having to work full-time, the difference in both her attitude and mouth is significant – and sad – to me. Where once she was gentle and encouraging to Paul, now she continuously puts him down. I don’t feel that humility is being taught at school at all. My baby sitter does a wonderful job, but it’s not enough. Probably these are lessons that need to be taught at home and maybe it’s not possible to learn them from other people that you don’t have the family bond with. Unfortunately, life at home feels like a rush here to there and nagging to get school work in or whatever else needs to be done. It is so tough because I perceive that our family grows further and further apart and that very few of my goals are being met. All the fun has gone out of life. Maybe not all, but most of it.
As well Paul concerns me in areas of character development. I worked really, really hard on character development with Elizabeth, I am trying to with Paul but things were so bad for so long in my personal life that I had no energy to parent at all. I chose few battles with the kids because I felt it was better to not try than to do so and lose. It is what it is now, I can’t change the past. Due to that time of great difficulty, I feel he has really gotten away without much discipline and just does what he wants. But I am still tired and have to choose my battles wisely, because it does more harm than good to lose consistently.
Maybe it’s because he’s a boy and maybe his current behavior doesn’t have anything to do with this, but I do worry that he will end up a psychopath like is father. Elizabeth already displays conscientiousness, Paul much less so though he is sweet and cuddly at times. Anytime I think about the possibility of him ending up like Chepe I go cold and feel that I MUST find a way to be at home more, I MUST find a way to homeschool again – a better way to be able to anyway. We only fit it in one day this week around my long days and Elizabeth’s soccer. There must be something better than what I am doing right now!
I feel like every post I write is about this theme. It’s something that just won’t go away. By homeschooling him it’s almost like it makes it all the more harder to know that I am not able to focus on my kids as the most important thing in my life but have to spend so much of my life away at a job that doesn’t even leave me satisfied. At times I feel like the homeschool is a failure because it is hard to fit in and so little seems to get done. If I take a step back and look at the big picture, I know that it’s not though. I also know that I can’t do this life-style for forever, it is too depressing. As well, I try to remember that it also has not really been that long that I have been on my own and I am still getting myself put back together. Though it’s been about 2 years, half of that time was spent recovering from the “Thing” that happened with Chepe, and that really took A LOT of energy. I am also setting my foundation. I paid off my student loans finally, something that I didn’t dare do while I was with him because I thought it better to have the $ in the bank in case he had some other “mishap” for which we had to pay a fine. Really, we are much better off without him. Now, I just need to be patient and brave enough to take the jump and take a chance on myself. I am still healing and I need to be gentle with myself. I also need to be gentle with the kids because they need it as well. They are healing too, even if they don’t know that they are wounded.
My last challenge this week is that I had gotten to a place of hoping that I will be able to homeschool Elizabeth again, if not next year then the following, but she said the other day that she would rather be in the public school. I should be happy yet I am disappointed. I am happy that she is liking her teacher and her class this year, but I still want to homeschool her again so badly. I want school to be about life and I want her classroom to be the world. Not just for Elizabeth but for Paul as well. I want them to learn from experience, from doing and being a part of it all, I think that has the most lasting impression and the best chance of producing adults who are competent and caring.
Share your thoughts: Uh, I could use any words of encouragement that you’ve got. Thanks!