I feel like I’m at some kind of cross-roads right now; as though I am needing to make some sort of decision, I just don’t know entirely what the question is.
I feel like this goes across the board, but mostly it applies to my career, and in effect, homeschooling. After my last reflections, Mommy’s Hopes and Dreams, I felt a wash of relief – for about two days. After writing my thoughts and worries down, and then contemplating the idea that maybe my current job driving the escort vehicle for a company that manufactures and delivers quality sheds and garages, among other things, is what is working for now since the busy season is approaching, I began to feel like, “Yes, what I have is what I need. Yes, I think so.”
But…then I had to go to Tennessee again – another 3-day trip this week (that makes three 2- to 4-day trips in the past four weeks). The trip it’s self was probably the best that I’ve had so far: getting into the routine, wasn’t sick this time, no bad weather, no extra stressors like in the other trips besides just getting it there in a timely manner. Being pumped up about it being our first day, the driver and I chatted quite a bit on Wednesday. Conversation eventually came around to a point that made me feel quite uneasy: because of the ‘wonderful’ ObamaCare, which is putting a financial stressor on the company, they are considering doing away with my position and contracting it out; would I be interested in doing it independently and certifying my own car? Well…if this company, which is doing very well and actually growing, can’t afford the insurance to keep the escort vehicle running, I sure as hell can’t afford it. As well, my body is about broken by the time I get home after driving in the car for 26 hours straight – I’d like to never sit in that bucket seat again as long as I live and I severely need a visit to the chiropractor. I like my job, but I don’t love it. I’m happy doing the short trips required with the current position, but contracting out to other companies to escort what are usually longer trips, just is not what I’m interested in, nor does it work for my family. How soon the company will be contracting my position out, I don’t know. It’s not a just a rumor either, it is being discussed, I walked in on the meeting while my boss and the drivers were discussing it, I just didn’t know what it was about at the time. Nice of them to include me… As the odd woman out, and perhaps just considered the lowly escort driver, I often feel like I’m left out. Maybe that says something right there.
Anyway, for two days I felt really great that I didn’t have to worry about finding a different job or submit any more resumes and stuff, and then, I had the rug pulled out from under me.
What does this have to do with homeschooling? Ugh. They are interrelated of course. I just don’t know how to keep it going if I have to work a 40-hour a week job. How do you do any more than get yourself to work on time and pick the kids up in a timely manner, throw some boxed mac n’ cheese on the table for dinner, and bathe the kids a time or two during the week so they don’t stink? How do you find the time to go on nature walks that allow the kids to get down in the dirt and explore and follow the rhythms of what the day is telling them? How do you have enough time to teach both children, or to even spend enough non-teaching time with them? How do you decide that it’s someone else’s responsibility to teach them? Sending Elizabeth to school feels like an abandonment to me. I mean, school just feels like quality time I spend with her, one-on-one time that tells her how much I love her and how important she is to me.
Obviously, just by the themes of this and my last reflections post, much of my attention is drawn outside right now, is not focused on her, or even us as a family; which is very evident now that I am back from the trip too. Elizabeth happened to get sick while I was gone too – that’s the first time that she’s ever had to go to the sitter’s while she was sick. It was the first time that I didn’t make staying home and getting better the priority – because I wasn’t home. It was the first time in which I took no responsibility in caring for her while she didn’t feel good. It was odd; and in a way made me hate every father that doesn’t know the name of their homeschooled child’s curriculum, or who just goes home from work and eats dinner and sits down and watches TV. Your children need you, they want you to spend time with them. Be involved!
So, moral of story: What is the moral of my story? It’s not working? What’s not? Which part? Is homeschooling not working? Is my job not working? I thought it might – for 2 days – but obviously Obama has different ideas about that. And I voted for him!!!! I won’t get all political, but obviously the ObamaCare isn’t working if it’s effect is not only that we don’t have health insurance, but I lose my job too – how does that benefit us little guys?
I’m still floundering around in a way that I had hoped I would not be by this time 6 months ago; but I’m still getting gray hairs over the job issue. I don’t want to give up homeschooling. I have goals. I think I’m a hard-worker – for goodness sake, I just drove to Nashville and back in three days! I just live in an area where there a precious few jobs, and even fewer that pay well at all. I’ve got two kids to support, and Chepe dared to complain to me about his financial situation the other day! The thought has not not crossed my mind to go back to school, but what would I do with another 50K in student loan debt? What’s the point?
I’m sorry if this post isn’t very homeschooly again, it’s just that this is where I am, and the money issue in a single-family home affects homeschooling. It’s time vs. money and money vs. time, unrelentingly. I’m trying to stay inspired and strong, but sometimes it’s easier than others. Thanks to my readers – my supporters, if you’ve read this far. I appreciate it.
I’ll end with one small item in a positive light: I wrote last time that I had submitted an article to the local newspaper (I would like to write for living if I could), and they published it! It wasn’t headline news, and I didn’t get paid, actually they didn’t even attribute it to me, but it’s there, in print, nonetheless. So it’s a start. Maybe I do know my way from A to B, it just takes longer than overnight. But how to survive meanwhile, that’s the question.
Share your thoughts: Go ahead, write ’em down!