Mommy’s Hopes and Dreams. (Self-)Reflections, K Weeks 23 and 24

I am at two weeks for posting, and I’ve got nothing – nothing!  Week 23 I had to go away for 4 days to TN with work, it was supposed to be a three day trip, but the snow stopped us for about 5 hours, and thus dragged it out to four days.  Four days out of the house and in another state does mean four days of no homeschool, it’s just not possible to do it when you are…well, out of the state.  I left a few things for the sitter to do, but she was busy with some babies, which, though I had never assumed she would take over responsibility of schooling Elizabeth while I am at work, just drives home how much the responsibility is mine – as it rightly should be.  This past week has been uneventful as far as schooling goes.  I guess the thoughts I have are more self-reflective than anything.

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Image used by permission from author. Click to be redirected to amazon.com.

 I have been in a flurry, in a way.  I have been doing a series of life-coaching sessions with Dee Anderson, who’s book, Sharing Hope, Nurturing Resilience, I have posted about on Seedling (please see Mountain Tops to Valleys: Doing More Than Just Surviving Life With Resilience – Part 1, and Part 2.  Part three is on it’s way.)   I recall that in my first semester of college, while at Oswego State U, I attended a program with my advisor on how to making you dreams come true.  At the time I was like, “I’m not going to spend $500 so that someone can tell me how to achieve my dreams, I am all ready doing that – that’s why I am at college.”  But now, though it puzzles me a little that a college professor who had done amazing things like studying monkeys and teaching at the college level and raising children could need guidance in achieving her goals, I can fully understand the draw and usefulness of coaching.

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B seems to be way at the end of that path.

I admit, I am at a loss much of the time on how to get from A to B when it comes to achieving my dreams, mostly involving my career, but not totally or exclusively so.  Sometimes I think I can see the way to B, but other times it seems like what I see to be the path I assume must be either too easy and I believe I am probably missing something, or else I find I am making it way to hard for myself.  Through my coaching with Dee, I have found how much we live in boxes that we make for ourselves.  In some ways, boxes work, they help hold things together, but sometimes they are completely silly and useless and we should just break them down to put in the recycling bin.   Actually, a lot of the boxes we put ourselves in during our lives are that way.

It’s really interesting how just one little question posed by Dee can make me question so many things that I assume to be true – both about myself and the world.  She always gets excuses when she asks them too, it would seem like a frustrating job if I didn’t know that her little questions end up sneaking in during the weeks that follow and keep asking themselves: “What if…”  “Why?”  “Why not?”  And “What if…” is not like, what if it had never happened or regret of any kind, it’s more like, “What if you were to try?  What’s the worst that could happen?”  Usually the worst is that someone either doesn’t answer you or they say no.  And so what?!

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Hatching tiny eggs of hope.

Well, I have put out a number of applications for work, that is of course what this is all coming around to, since on the wellness pie chart, I am unbalanced in the aspect of occupation and income, and I’ve gotten lots of having no one answer, as well as a few interviews that ended up in no’s.  It can be hard, rejection is hard, and after a while it starts to feel personal.  But resilience works best here: just keep plugging on.  I guess as far as careers go, if you put out as many applications as I feel like I have, what you are passed by on is meant to be and what you get is meant to be too.  I was turned down because it was deemed there was a better candidate, and perhaps that is true, perhaps what I am best qualified for and best suited for is still to come.  Or maybe my current job is it, there will be more work when summer comes, and maybe it’s what is actually working the best as far as homeschooling goes.

I’ve thought a lot over the past two weeks about my last post, reminding myself of those reasons that I gave for homeschooling even though the odds seem stacked against me.  Thinking on how homeschooling is the best course – I believe – though no one else seems to really think so because of my suddenly single situation.  It does all come back to money.  Though, if I think about it, a long time ago I gave up caring about money and chose quality over quantity.  Maybe I’ve just got to think that way again.  One of the worst parts about this martial separation was suddenly having to worry about every penny and consider that I ought to just take whatever job presented it’s self to me because I had to support my children.  Thank goodness for family – family that supports (in more ways than one).  I know my blessings, and I hope they know how much I appreciate and love them!

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Current job: I drive the white car.

I’m not sure if this has a whole lot to do with homeschooling, but these are my reflections for the week.  I don’t know if I was even very clear since I didn’t say directly what my dreams are nor what positions I had applied for.  Well, I guess I’ll own it – I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately too!

I studied biology in college and had wanted to be something like a wildlife or conservation biologist.  Unfortunately, there’s not much work in that area around here, and I know the box that I have put myself in with not wanting to move away from my family.  Perhaps one day I will tear it down, but for now, I’ve got my stuff sitting in it.  I also want to write – to make money writing.  I have taken a few steps towards that this week.  I submitted an article to the local newspaper to try to get published, and have contacted someone who works at another paper to see if he will give me some tips on newspaper writing.  I have considered taking my resume down and enquiring about writing jobs.  I’ve also started an article I plan to submit to a localish magazine.  I think magazine article writing could be my true passion – I’d love to write for Audubon or something along those lines, but that line from A to B is zig-zaggy to me…  In addition to writing, I’m sending out my resume for a job with NYS Parks and Recreation after I publish this post.  It’d be 10-hour days, 40-hour weeks, holidays and weekends, but something that I love to do.

But I’m also contemplating that maybe my current job could be what works: except for disliking having to get up at 5am, the fact that I am sometimes home by 9 is great, and if I were driving five days a week, the pay wouldn’t be too bad; I’m aware that the business is growing, and as I am now #1 escort driver, it has been estimated that there may be daily work this summer.  I’m also setting up to be a tutor, which will help bring in some extra money.  Things are looking up, no?  Yet, I also sometimes feel like I don’t know what direction to go in, nor when to commit.  Because I have kids and this dream to homeschool, it is scary to take the plunge, it’s hard to know if it will work out or not.  I guess we can’t.  We keep the bridges unburned so that it could be possible to return, or else move on if we have to.  I guess, this is what I keep trying to tell myself, that what is meant to be will be.

703“Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

~Max Ehrmann

I think about that quote every day.  Things are happening as they should.  I have free will to use my time to direct my path as best I can, but I can’t control others.  The universe is unfolding as it should.

Well, since this wasn’t very homeschooly, here’s a non-homeschooly article I found on the LA Times and really liked which addresses how children raised in secular homes can actually turn out to be ethical, functional human beings – imagine that! 🙂  How Secular Family Values Stack Up.

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