Turning Inward. Reflections, K Week 11

Again, at the end of this week, there is a feeling that seems most predominant in relation to our homeschool, though it really involves life in general.  I actually considered titling this post “Quitters” because that’s what I’ve been doing all week: letting things go.

Quitting homeschool?  Are you crazy?!  That’s the one thing I’m trying to hold onto!  But I have indeed been letting other things go, and it feels like an invariable turning inward and focusing on family and the goals which are most important to me.  Our world is still in upheaval, it will be for a while.  My mom and I were discussing things the other day, and she just said something about letting this and that go to un-pile the pile of stresses, that the least amount that I have on my plate the better, because my plate is pretty full of the stress of separation, finding a job after being a stay at home mom for 2+ years, and parenting all by myself.

I’m a thoughtful thinker, and really chewed this over, and felt that she was right.  I can’t do it all, not right now.  I’ve got to let some things go.

At this present moment, I can’t remember if our conversation was before or after or in conjunction with Elizabeth’s soccer practice this past Wednesday.  Do you remember my post Soccer Struggles? That was four weeks ago – and nothing got better.  She didn’t participate in a single practice or game thereafter.  I have these fake looking pictures of her smiling while holding a soccer ball because my mom’s husband bribed her with a picture magnet; this was after the picture of her and Paul in which she is scowling (I have that one), and numerous others of a sour face.  I’d rather have had the scowl because it represented the truth of our soccer struggles this year.

062Well, Wednesday afternoon, I was mulling over the soccer stuff, and I would just say to myself, ‘We just have to get through October, then it will be all done.’  But then I realized that I do not want to wish October away!  I love the autumn, and why wish it away to winter?  Perhaps it would be best to just let soccer go.  So I asked Elizabeth what she wanted to do, and she did want to quit.  I thought it possible that once it became her decision that she may wish to stay with it, but she didn’t.  So, I told her coach that night, and explained to him our situation, apologized profusely, and felt a little embarrassed because quitting is not something that I regularly do.  He understood and thanked me for my support up to that point.  And that was that.

My mom said that Elizabeth seemed a little bit more relaxed the next time she saw her, as though a shift had taken place.  Maybe soccer was a much bigger stressor for my daughter than I had realized.  I know that it felt nice to not have to get to the game yesterday and just focus on us and the house and things that I needed to do, rather than sit through a game with her closed up and tense.

That’s not the only thing I’ve let us let go.  I had looked into Daisies for Elizabeth, but at the time of sign-ups, they didn’t have any other kindergarten-aged girls, nor a leader.  I had tentatively agreed to be a co-leader, but then as I thought about it more, I felt that it would just be another thing on the pile of stress, and that it would be best to just forget about it this year.

Blue Doggie checking out some booksIn addition, after giving it much thought over the past month or so, I’ve decided that I can not continue on the Library Board, of which I am a Trustee.  I hate to quit, I love our library.  I signed on for a three-year term, but that was all before the big stuff came out with Chepe, just before.  I am amazed that I have been able to continue through October actually, but as the meetings are at 10am on Thursday mornings, and I am secretary and head of a committee, I just feel that it is too much.  I am so busy writing up cover letters and the like for applications, homeschooling, working, trying to get into the groove of living life around work, and Zumba®, that I feel it is something that I have to let go of.  It does sadden me, as I said, I hate to not finish things that I started, but I just have to.  Luckily, the president was very understanding.  I offered to stay on and act as secretary through the end of the year if possible, but she pulled me aside and said that if I landed a job that needs me on Thursday mornings to please put my job and kids first, they would make do.  I haven’t missed a single meeting anyhow, so I keep that in the back of my mind.

So, I sum all of this up as a turning inward.  Letting go of outside things and focusing on us and our healing and spending time together to support each other.  The kids so need that right now, not someone who has their ropes thrown out every which way, dabbling in this and that.  And if my pile so stacked up, how can I be the best me in any of single activity when things are so overwhelming?  I’ve got to come back to the simple and focus on that.  Family is complex though, isn’t it?  Raising kids is complex, and it needs to be my main focus.

Share your thoughts:  What are some ways in which you have let things go and turned inward when you most needed it?

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2 thoughts on “Turning Inward. Reflections, K Week 11

  1. I am in awe of you for having these realizations and acting on them. I have been a single mother–I know how hard it is. I also know how rewarding it can be, and I think you’re doing a supreme job of making it that way. My heart is with you, and (if it means anything at all) I am proud of you.

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    • Thank you so much! Your words are so touching. I’m a very introverted person, and learned a long time ago to follow my intuition (well for everything but my marriage I guess) and that if I didn’t it would not turn out the best, so right now, I am feeling my way forward intuitively, though so much is at stake and so much is out of my control. But, I breathe deep, and listen to my inner voice. ‘Be still and know’ is definitely one of my mantras right now.
      I didn’t realize that you were a single mom for a while. Where your kids little little? What did you do for school during that time?

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