Anxieties and Sadness About Moving Ahead

What a crazy week – very up and down.  I got two jobs and started a third.  It is emotionally draining, as well as physically.  It takes a lot of work to coordinate where the kids go what day, since none of my babysitters can take them on full-time, and I’m not working full-time; this makes it both better and harder because I’ve got to call around and see who can watch them when.  It feels like I have everyone maxed out for us all ready, and I’m just getting started.

Chepe is still here, and every time it gets close to when his move-out date is that I’ve set, I impulsively run back and tell him to stay; I know it is because I am scared to the bone of doing this all by myself, particularly as I have not been employed.  (I also have some kind of thing about the garden and letting go that he will not finish it/that it’s not done/I’m not sure what exactly.)

As I am accepting jobs and starting jobs and applying and all that stuff, it’s also emotionally draining to know that our lives are in an upheaval and it shouldn’t have been this way.  It’s so, so, so sad to me that I won’t be home with them all of the time now, to be the one to put Paul down for his nap every afternoon, to just putz around with them and go on leisurely strolls down the trail.  I am very scared that I won’t be able to fit homeschooling in, and regretting that I went ahead and got the Global Village School curriculum rather than the Moving Beyond The Page (MBTP) one because the former is not all ready organized and set up and comes in a pretty box with the materials all bagged and ready to just be pulled out and used as the latter does.  It occurred to me the other day that we have less than 10 units left before we are done with the MBTP age 4-5 curriculum, and then it is on to the Global Village K curriculum – what if I can’t get it organized before we start?  I won’t have the time for unschooling as far as I can guess, we’re not going to have the time to just explore all day and see what sparks our interest.  Nope, now life will be stressful and full of, “Hurry up, get in the car, I’m late.”

And I am becoming more and more bitter.  I am angry that I was happy and content with how things were, and then I was blind-sided with the truth, and now all that I had loved is being torn away from me in one way or another.  Chepe wants to stay together, but why should I if I have to go back to work anyway?  Does he realize that my working, being a housewife, and being teacher makes my load at least triple what it was before – and reduces the quality of my work in any all aspect?  Why was family not his main focus?  How was I so blind?  Why was being a stay at home mom and homeschooling put before me just to be torn away?  How is it fair that I have to pay $10/hour to someone else to watch my kids when I wanted to do it for free?  How come I can’t get $10/hour just for staying home and watching them, just me and them?  It is so unfair.

I have cried a lot this week.  I was told by someone that going through a divorce is very much liken to going through the grieving process; I think she was right, and I haven’t even started the divorce.

But, thank goodness for my family and friends.  Everyone is willing to help and/or listen.  And I keep running into people who are divorced and mean a lot to me: my nurse midwife, my chiropractor, and some others.  They are all wonderful, colorful, strong women.  I wonder, ‘How can we be in this situation?  We are strong and amazing – men should be lining up at our doors because of that, not treating us like shit.  What is wrong?’

At the end of the day, I prompt myself with little phrases: I can do it, I know I can!  I will give it my best shot.  Nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it.  Sometimes being unwilling to fail is the only reason you succeed.  Be still and know.  I know what I’m made of, I think Chepe did not.  I can do this, I know I can, and I’m going to try my hardest.  It will be hard, very, very hard, but in the end it will be worth it, and once over that hump, it will be good again.

As far as curriculums go, as I said in The Path Laid Before Me and A Healing Curriculum, there must have been a reason that all of this happened, that I was started on the path of homeschooling and that I encountered and purchased the Global Village School curriculum.  It will work out if I don’t allow it to work any other way.



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